ILHAAM
Written by- Manav Kaul
Translation by- Vanya Singh
The stage is divided into two parts. One has a park bench, the other looks like a standard drawing room of a middle class Indian family.
Lights on
The hazy silhouette of a man can be seen, sitting on the park bench. Music starts playing.
Fade out
Fade in- The man is playing around the bench like a child
Fade out
Fade in- He’s asleep.
Fade out
Fade in- He’s dancing
Fade out.
Scene 1
(Poonam is picking up flowers and gifts scattered all over the room. Shukla is ushering some guests out, and his voice can be heard.)
Shukla: So nice of you Tiwari ji, yes, yes of course I’ll tell him! I know, what can we do, he’s going to get it from me when he comes back. Still, lovely of you, do come again, goodbye!
(Shukla comes back inside, both he and Poonam are visibly upset. Throughout the scene, Poonam is clearing up what is left of the party. She is also straightening up the room, and Shukla is helping her. Suddenly, he starts laughing.)
Poonam: Why are you laughing?
Shukla: Think about it Bhabhi- here we are, working our asses off to give the man a surprise. Organised a party, called all his bank friends, and the bastard ended up surprising us! Didn’t turn up to his own bloody party!
Poonam: Where could he be?
Shukla: Yeah that is the question. All his friends were also here…do you think he’s alright?
Poonam: Oh he’s fine. Too busy counting notes I expect. Lost track of time. Did you know he can’t even stop counting money in his sleep? His fingers twitch all night. I told him there are machines now, to do that kind of thing, and all he said was- “what will I do if machines start counting notes also?” It’s hopeless. I’m sorry you’ve ended up wasting your day here.
Shukla: What’s a day for a friend? It’s no problem at all.
Poonam: You must be getting late…he should be here any minute now.
Shukla: Please don’t worry. Who’s waiting for me? I just have to pull up the shutter in the shop and go to sleep. But bhabhi…it is getting late now. I’m starting to get worried- has he ever done this before?
Poonam: He’s been coming back late for a few months now, but never this late. I assumed things must have gotten busier at the bank, but he told me there’s a small park next to his office. He says he’s taken to sitting there every evening because it makes him feel ‘at peace’.
Shukla: Really? That’s weird. He never mentioned it to me!
Poonam: He’s been looking happier too, especially over the last few days.
Shukla: Bloody bastard. Look what I got for him (takes out a bottle of imported liquor from his bag). So much for sharing a drink. Ah well, I’ll take your leave then, start on it myself. If I could just borrow a glass-
(Bhagwan enters)
Bhagwan: Abbey if you’re taking the glass also from here, might as well drink here!
Shukla: Oh you fucker…where were you? It’s past midnight man you missed your own birthday. We’ve been so worried- well nevermind that now- happy birthday!
Bhagwan: Where’s the stuff?
Shukla: Bottle’s right here…go meet your wife first you shit.
(Bhagwan goes over to Poonam, who is struggling to open a tiffin)
Bhagwan: Need help with that?
Poonam: Do you know how many people came? Your entire bank turned up. And nobody ate anything. You can heat up the leftovers for the rest of the week.
Bhagwan: Arrey you should have told me if so many people were coming!
Shukla: Does the word ‘surprise’ mean anything to you?
(The tiffin suddenly open with a clatter)
Bhagwan: Oh good it’s open. Where is Pinki?
Poonam: She fell asleep waiting- she has classes tomorrow. Do you know what time it is?
Bhagwan: Oh my god- I didn’t realise!
Poonam: May I ask where his highness was?
Bhagwan: Oh I…I was in the park. I really didn’t notice how much time had passed. You know, today in the park..
Poonam: I don’t want to know what happened in the park. Bhai sahab, the glasses are in the cabinet, there’s soda in the fridge. Do help yourself, I’m going to sleep.
(Poonam exits. Bhagwan goes towards Shukla to take the glass from him when she walks back in. He hastily drops his hand and moves back)
Poonam: I almost forgot- happy birthday.
Bhagwan: Are you angry?
Poonam: Does it matter?
(Poonam exits)
Bhagwan: Ha ha ha I’m so happy today Shukla I can’t tell you. I’ve never had a birthday like this one.
Shukla: Here you go- cheers! Do you have any idea how hard bhabhiji worked today? I’ve also left the shop in the care of the boys today. And all your bank friends came all the way…why didn’t you come?
Bhagwan: Were they really all here? I was wondering how everyone knew it was my birthday.
Shukla: I told everyone of course.
Bhagwan: No…even the kids?
Shukla: What kids?
Bhagwan: The kids in the park.
Shukla: What’s the deal with this park?
Bhagwan: Nothing, nothing. There’s a park very close to the office. I’ve been going there to sit on the bench every evening. And every evening, some kids come out to play. Just watching them play, pass the ball around so carelessly, makes me feel…calm. Refreshed. They’ve made friends with me now, and they’re teaching me all the games they play. All the games we used to play, all my forgotten childhood, it’s coming back to me. Today they even celebrated my birthday! I asked them how they knew but they didn’t tell me.
Shukla: Whose kids are they?
Bhagwan: No idea. Oh also, chacha ji came to visit today.
Shukla: Chacha? I didn’t know you had a chacha in the city.
Bhagwan: No no not my chacha. I’m talking about, you know, that chacha…but how could they have come here?
Shukla: Man I’m drunker than I thought…I have no idea what you’re talking about. Let’s quit this nonsense about parks and children and chachas now. Every year, on your birthday I get a bottle of something nice for us, yes? And I’ve done the same this year?
Bhagwan: Yeah you do, and yes, you have.
Shukla: And every year we sit together, and talk about the bright and beautiful future on our horizon. So why break with tradition this year?
Bhagwan: Alright, but you start this time.
Shukla: Arrey yaar you always do this…how do I- what do I even-
Bhagwan: Quit blabbering Shukla! Just start
Shukla: Well alright.. You know my shop.
Bhagwan: Of course
Shukla: It’ll become two shops.
Bhagwan: Two shops, excellent. Then?
Shukla: Then three shops!
Bhagwan: Three! And then?
Shukla: And then what? My future is straightforward. Right now I sell some clothes, and eventually I will sell lots of clothes. That’s enough about me anyway. Your turn now, and start from Pinki’s wedding! There’s something to look forward to.
Bhagwan: No, that's not how it starts. It starts with this house. In two years, I will own it.
Shukla: Homeowner!
Bhagwan: And then Pinki’s wedding.
Shukla: Done. It was a fantastic wedding. What next?
Bhagwan: Billu will become an engineer in a few years.
Shukla: He’s building bridges, skyscrapers.
Bhagwan: Then his wedding…
Shukla: A wedding to remember
Bhagwan: By then, Pinki will have children of her own.
Shukla: So many children.
Bhagwan: Then Billu will have kids
Shukla: Wah!
Bhagwan: Then we’ll raise them, spoil them a little. (Becomes serious) And if we stay alive long enough, see them get married.
Shukla: Of course we will, Bhagwan, of course we will.
Bhagwan: And if we’re still around then we’ll see their children.
Shukla: And then?
Bhagwan: And then…and then what?
Shukla: Then bliss! Then we kick back and enjoy! Have fun! But what happened? You weren’t nearly as excited as last time. Remember how much fun we had last year? What’s wrong Bhagwan?
Bhagwan: Nothing nothing. You know, the strangest incident came back to me today. I used to have to cross a river to go to school every day, and there was a tiny boat that would ferry all us kids across. I knew the boatman quite well. One day, we noticed that he had, in the middle of the river, stopped using his oars as oars and was using them to shoo away a bird. And the bird would keep flying back, perching smugly on the same spot he kept trying to swat it away from. The boatman is getting more and more worked up, and we’re getting more and more scared because by now, the entire boat is shaking violently. I said “what are you doing? We’ll fall in!” and all he said was “enough is enough! That bird has gotten too used to crossing the river for free.” Everyone started laughing. A couple of weeks after that day, we saw the boatman and the bird sitting facing opposite directions, as if they’d just had a fight. Well, more time passed. And then we noticed the boatman was talking to the bird. Constantly, all day, like something was bursting out of him. He would laugh, scream, carry on entire conversations. People assumed he’d gone mad. I needed to know, so one day, I asked him if he had gone mad, talking to a bird. He said “I think all of you are the mad ones. You think she doesn’t want to talk to you? But none of you ever try to talk to her.” All this while we thought he’d gone mad, he thought we were mad!
Shukla: What happened to the boatman?
Bhagwan: The word spread and people stopped using his boat. He stuck around for a while, ferrying himself to and fro. People eventually got together to throw him out of the river. Pelted him with stones till he had no choice but to leave.
Shukla: That’s it?
Bhagwan: That’s it.
Shukla: That’s a bizarre story.
Bhagwan: These are the kind of stories coming back to me these days, as I sit on that park bench. And then those children come. Do you know Shukla, I danced today! Heaven knows after how long.
Shukla: You danced?
Bhagwan: I did. It was amazing! What a tune…
(He starts humming a strange, high pitched tune. Shukla joins the fun at first, hitting the table to try and give a beat that tries to keep up with Bhagwan’s bizarre melody. After a while, he gets bothered and starts looking scared.)
Shukla: Arrey wah! Beautiful…kya baat hai…listen Bhagwan, sit down now…enough…enough, come on. Sit down! What are you doing?...listen Bhagwan, sit down, I’m feeling weird….what are you doing? Bhagwan…Bhagwan… (Bhagwan is lost in his own world, and from a distance his world starts looking lewd)...have you gone mad?
Scene 2
(Bhagwan is sitting on the park bench)
Bhagwan: It used to be filled to the brim with clean, clear water, when we were born. Like a well. And then we kept throwing in all the junk produced by growing up- toys, words, books, expectations. We threw in, like heavy stones, all this junk, all neat instructions on how to live a life. And now…now that there’s no space left for water in our wells, we shrug and say it was never meant to be there.
Scene- 3
(Pinki comes in with tea. Poonam, Shukla and Saurabh are all sitting around)
Poonam: Here, do have some tea. I’m so sorry about the other night, some important work came up and he couldn’t make it to the party. We were all a little worried, but it’s all sorted now, everything is fine. Lovely to see you again-
Shukla: Bhabhi he knows everything. He has something he needs to tell you.
Saurabh: Actually…(Saurabh looks at Pinki)
Poonam: Pinki, go inside. (Pinki leaves) Yes, what were you saying?
Saurabh: Well.. sir is my senior in the bank. They’ve sent me this letter. I couldn’t face delivering it alone, so I requested Shukla sir to come with me. It’s- he’s been- he’s been suspended.
Poonam: What? Why has he been suspended? He goes to work every day. That man has dedicated years of his life to the bank and all of a sudden you people decide-
Saurabh: He hasn’t been coming to the office for more than a month. That’s why they had to send me.
Poonam: But he- I pack the lunch box- but why has he been fired?
Saurabh: Sir had started to… distribute money. The bank’s money.
Shukla: Well not distributed. There was just this one case-
Poonam: What case?
Saurabh: Bhagwan sir-
Poonam: He’s not home. Tell me.
Saurabh: There’s an old woman who comes every month to collect her pension. Bhagwan sir started giving her an extra five hundred rupees, every time she came. When it was discovered, the manager asked him how he could make a mistake like that. And he said “this wasn’t a mistake. It was deliberate.” The manager asked if the woman had begged for the money, but sir said that she hadn’t. They had a heated argument after that. Once he had calmed down the rest of us tried to make him see- but he said he had heard the woman’s ‘sighs’. (Saurabh tries and only partially succeeds at stifling a giggle). Sorry! And then he started spewing crazy nonsense- I mean- those aren’t my words- people at the bank- anyway, distributing money to strangers without a cause…it is a little crazy.
Shukla: Watch what you’re saying Saurabh! Enough.
Saurabh: No no I didn’t mean- it’s the others who call him that. Sorry.
Poonam: He is not mad!
Black out.
Scene 4
(Bhagwan is on the park bench)
Bhagwan: It’s become a habit, looking for the future in the lines of my palms-
To angle them towards the light, manipulate their meanings.
Looking for the miracle that’s hidden there, somewhere
And that looking, like a small cloud, follows me around.
It doesn’t help much when the sun is harsh and scorching
Reduces its function to the fact of its existence, like a mole on a palm.
But moles are supposed to be lucky,
And maybe this will be too, so I keep this cloud carefully hidden away.
Sometimes it makes me want to go…go to the place where rain is born…
Where the clouds part…
But perhaps it’s too late for that.
My faith is brittle now, refuses to bend to any new belief,
Any new story. There are times when I think about the lines that vanished.
The ones that waited, sitting useless on my palm for decades, for me to live their purpose.
What was their purpose?
Where were they waiting, behind which doors that I could never open?
And then I noticed- I had lines, so many lines on my forehead!
What are these? Do they have a purpose too? Doors?
No- no they don’t.
It took me a while to figure out they have nothing, meaning nothing.
These are lines of silence, for silence.
Silence for the lines on my palms that got lost,
with their doors I didn't open.
It sounds absurd but it really is true.
Every time a line vanishes from my palm I feel
Its deafening silence etched upon my forehead.
It’s this silence that ages us.
The day my forehead runs out of space, this silence will
Descend, slip down to my face and I will have become old.
Fade out.
Scene- 5
(Shukla comes outside from inside the house, Pinki is already sitting there)
Shukla: He’s asleep. Where’s bhabhi?
Pinki: She’s gone to make a call. Where was papa all week?...Where did you find him?
Shukla: I don’t know where he was all week, but I found him asleep on the park bench today.
Pinki: Are you saying…was he in the park all this time?
Shukla: No, I checked there a few days back and he wasn’t there then. Who knows where he’s been…beta can you get me a glass of water.
Pinki: I haven’t told mummy anything, or she would have panicked. Papa used to talk to me all the time, uncle…
Shukla: What would he talk about?
Pinki: Anything really- stories, memories, incidents. I always loved hearing him talk but never understood what he was talking about. He was…frightened. When I asked what was wrong he said…he’s been enlightened. Had epiphanies.
Shukla: Enlightenment? What’s that?
Pinki: I have no idea. He started saying something about how everything seems brand new to him. Like he's a kid again. He said “I am going to be a child.” So I asked who he was right now and he replied “I’m a lion at the moment, and before this I used to be a camel.”
Shukla: I just can’t figure out what’s wrong with him! Did he ever tell you why he’s…upset?
Pinki: He’s not upset, just frightened. He’s really scared…maybe that’s why he didn't come back home for so long.
Shukla: Why didn’t you mention any of this before? Why- what is he scared of?
Pinki: He’s scared of…satisfaction, Contentment.
Shukla: Of contentment? What do you mean?
Pinki: I mean he’s scared of being content. Of finding everything…enough. When that happens, all your desires, all your purpose dies. He said he just has one desire left now, one reason for existence, and that is the desire to come back home. To come back to this house every day, to his family. And he is terrified of losing that one last desire.
Shukla: I don’t understand. Did he- did he say anything else?
Pinki: Well he’s also always talking about chacha.
Shukla: Who is this chacha? He mentioned him to me once. Said he comes to visit him. Do you know where he lives?
Pinki: Does he live close by? I had no idea.
Poonam: Where is he?
Shukla: Asleep in his room. Let him sleep, the doctor has ordered plenty of rest.
Poonam: I’ll just go check on him quickly. (Poonam exits)
Shukla: Would your mother know anything about this chacha?
Pinki: She’s never talked to me about it. (Poonam enters)
Poonam: Oh God, just make him well again and I’ll never ask for anything again. Here, both of you take some prasad. I’ve just come back from the temple. Everything will be alright now, he’s back. Did he come home himself?
Shukla: No..he was sleeping in the park. Really deep sleep too…I tried everything to wake him up, even threw water on him. I have to say, when that didn’t work I got pretty scared. Eventually some people helped me get him to a doctor, and that’s when he finally woke up.
Poonam: What did- what did the doctor say?
Shukla: Before the poor man could say anything he grabbed him by his collar and starting yelling something at him. At the doctor, imagine! Finally they had to give him something to make him unconscious again, so they could conduct tests. The doctor has been very strict about giving him rest.
Poonam: You know, I went to the park yesterday too, to look for him. He talked so much about how beautiful that park is- there’s nothing there. Barely any grass, a bench and some broken swings and that’s it.
Shukla: Bhabhi- it’s worse than that. The people who helped me carry him to the doctor told me that that park has been abandoned for years. He’s the only one who goes there- they’ve heard him talking to himself- he dances there alone-
Poonam: The kids?
Shukla: -sometimes just swats the air with newspapers-
Poonam: What about the kids?
Shukla: Bhabhi…kids haven’t played in that park in decades.
Poonam: Oh God. (Closes her eyes, takes a long, steadying breath) Just last year we went on a family holiday. Do you remember Pinki? Your father and I, and you and Billu. All of us were together, and there were mountains, and so much snow! We made four snowmen, one for each of us, and made their eyes with clear marbles. You remember? Pinki go fetch that photograph we took there.
Pinki: Ma.
Poonam: Get the photograph beta (Screams)
Shukla: (To Pinki) Please go inside, beta. (Pinki leaves) Bhabhi…who did you call?
Poonam: Billu- but he doesn’t have time for us anymore. I called my brother in law too, just in case he had gone back to the village. I’m telling you there is some evil spirit involved in this, something has to be done.
Shukla: Bhabhi, you know as well as I do that’s all nonsense. Bhagwan will recover.
(Pinki screams off stage, and enters running)
Pinki: Mummy…
Poonam: What happened?
Pinki: Papa wasn’t sleeping, he was sitting up. I asked him how he was feeling and he snatched the photo album from my hand-
(Bhagwan’s cough is heard, and he enters, looking at the photo album. His head feels heavy. Everyone is afraid. Bhagwan looks at them and smiles.)
Bhagwan: What’s the day today? What’s the date? (everyone is staring at Bhagwan, scared) what happened? (looks through the album and starts smiling) Oh look how stunning this is. It’s all beautiful really, all of it- all of this. But what will we do with so much beauty? Sometimes I remember all those dreams I thought were beautiful. The truth is, even my best dreams weren't much. Even in dreams, a little bit of happiness seemed like an abundance to me. I was pecking at happiness the way birds peck at food- have you ever seen a bird eat? They can’t eat a slice of bread whole- they have to peck at it, tiny crumbs at a time. We aren’t very different really. With a wide open sky overhead we’re content with pecking at our tiny corners. We can look up and admire the endless expanse of sky, but when it comes to living, we can only live the little blue squares outside our window.
Shukla: Bhagwan (yells. Poonam tries to calm him down) No Bhabhi, you don’t understand. Every time I try to talk to him he takes off on this never ending bullshit. (Shukla sits next to Bhagwan and starts talking in gibberish)
Shukla: @#$%^^&&*(()!@^
Bhagwan: What are you people saying? Pinki came inside and started blabbering too (Shukla tries to say something again, but Bhagwan stops him) What is it? Speak clearly.
(Shukla gives up and turns to Poonam)
Shukla: I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I can’t understand a word of what he’s saying…I don’t even think that’s a real language. (Goes back to Bhagwan and yells in frustration. It is in gibberish, but clearly understood to be something along the lines of ‘what is wrong with you? Have you gone mad?!)
Poonam: Wait, let me try something. (Poonam goes to sit next to him and very gently, lovingly starts to explain. She speaks tenderly, but it is in gibberish and Bhagwan can’t understand anything.)
Bhagwan: Wha…what- Poonam I don’t know what you’re saying.
Poonam: (She gets upset as soon as he starts speaking and raises her voice) #@$%^%^&*^%$##%%^&* (Poonam starts crying, Shukla starts talking in gibberish behind her, and Pinki joins in eventually. All three are talking to Bhagwan, and he can’t understand them. He gets overwhelmed and panicked. )
Bhagwan: I am not mad
Bhagwan: I am not mad
Bhagwan: I am not mad! (Yells by the end, everyone goes quiet)
Blackout
Scene 6
(One by one, everyone comes and sits on their chairs, and starts talking to the doctor. It’s like the doctor is the audience.)
Poonam: Namaskar doctor sahab! I’m Poonam…his wife. Yes, he’s doing better, sleeping much better too. When he’s not talking it’s easy to believe that there’s nothing wrong at all. But as soon as he opens his mouth…doctor sahab if you ask me someone’s put a curse on him. Yes, yes I do believe in all that. I believe in anything and everything that I need to. If someone tells me- “Poonam, rub your nose one hundred times and your husband will recover”, well I’ll rub my nose one hundred times. It’s been a year of going from one doctor to another, and I’m tired now. I'm so tired. I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep it up…sorry, so sorry doctor sahab. I’m sure everything will be alright.
Shukla: Good morning, my name is P.P. Shukla. I am the owner of a small fabric business, the shop is just down the road from his house. We are old friends, really old friends. I’ve known him for longer than his wife has! What happened to him- honestly sir only God can tell you. None of us can make head or tail of it. I mean really, when I tell you some of the things he said. One day, a while back, he came to me and said “ Shukla, can I ask you a question?” I said “go ahead, what is it now?” And do you know what his question was? He asked “ Do you think when a bird is born, it has to pay for its tree? For its nest? Does it have to pick a God? Of course not. If it did it would be too tied down with it to ever be able to fly.” Then he chuckled to himself and walked away. I mean I ask you, is this any way for a man his age to behave? A married man, no less, and a banker.
Pinki: Hi, I’m Pinki…my brother’s name is Billu. Papa used to love me so much…I mean loves, loves me. I’ve tried to talk to him a few times. Last time I tried he just handed me some papers and gestured for me to read them. But there was no writing on them…only pictures, strange images I couldn’t understand. I’m…scared now. I’m scared of my own father!
Saurabh: Oh I’ve seen a lot of people like that. Sad, but what can you do? There’s a type that always loses it at a stage in their lives. Of course doc, you know better than me, but it seems to be obvious enough. I mean what can you expect from the old if not lunacy? If we started handing out money for every old man who lost his marbles the bank would be emptied out in two days. You can’t trust them either. There was this crazy man in our village- he killed a man, smashed his head right in. If you ask me doc, there’s not much you can do with them…it’s a waste of time.
Scene 7
(Bhagwan enters, following him is Mohan (beggar).
Bhagwan: (calls out) Poonam! (Mohan stops at the door) Arrey come in, come in.
Mohan: This is definitely your house right? Otherwise we’ve both had it.
Bhagwan: Of course it’s my house. Poonam…Poonam!
Mohan: Who is Poonam?
Bhagwan: My wife…I’ve told you this before.
Mohan: No you haven’t. Where is she?
Bhagwan: She must have gone out. Why aren’t you coming in?
Mohan: I’m a beggar, I know what’s expected of me. This is good enough.
Bhagwan: Alright if you’re sure. Let me just go inside and check…
(He goes inside. His voice is heard asking a question, and then Pinki’s scared reply. She comes out, speaking gibberish and looking scared. Bhagwan is pulling her outside, asking a question)
Pinki: Gibberish
Bhagwan: Beta where is your mother? What happened to you? What are you saying?
Pinki: @#$%%^&**(%%##@
Bhagwan: (Getting desperate) Pinki I can’t understand what you’re saying!
Mohan: Wait, I can understand what she’s saying- “Ma’s gone to get a baba…I am really scared…Papa let me go I’m scared.”
(Pinki turns to Mohan and starts speaking in gibberish which Mohan then translates)
Mohan: Who is this? He looks like a beggar…papa did you bring a beggar inside.
Bhagwan: (Takes Pinki by the hand and leads her to Mohan) He understands me. Come here- I just want to tell all of you that I’m ok. You can stop calling doctors, I’ll be alright- Mohan tell her please-
Pinki: Starts screaming in gibberish (Mohan translates)
Mohan: You have gone mad papa! Get away from me, get away from me!
Bhagwan: Listen to me, please beta-
Pinki: Screams in gibberish and runs out.
Bhagwan: Where did Pinki go? What was she saying?
Mohan: She said she was going to go get her mother.
Bhagwan: Why didn’t you stop her?
Mohan: Did you see how scared she was? And you wanted me to stop her? (Starts laughing)
Bhagwan: Why are you laughing?
Mohan: You’re properly done for now aren’t you? How are you going to get out of this one?
Bhagwan: I don’t know. All I know is that I want to come back.
Mohan: What do you mean ‘come back’? Don’t you live here?
Bhagwan: That’s what I want to tell my family. That I do live here, that I’m fighting with everything I’ve got to stay here. I want you to tell Poonam that, when she comes. I want her to know I’m trying. They can’t…they can’t understand me, and even if they think it’s a disease I need them to know that I’m the only one who can make it better.
Mohan: Look, I’ll try my best, I don’t know if they will listen to me. If you don’t mind me asking- what happened to you? I didn’t mean to laugh, I really do want to know.
Bhagwan: Do you want a ladoo? (Goes inside and gets a laddoo for him). You know, when I was a child I would sit next to my father when he was doing the aarti. For Shiva. I remember the absolute dedication with which he did it, every single day. With his entire being. I remember thinking, if I was lord Shiva I would just have granted him the darshan he was so obsessed with. What would he have done? I couldn’t get rid of the idea once I’d had it so one day I finally asked him- what would he do if he got what he prayed for? He didn’t give me a proper answer the first time, so I kept asking. Every time I got the chance I’d start quizzing him on it. After a few weeks of this he’d had enough. He got angry and beat me up, but still didn’t answer my question. A couple of days after this, I ran away from home. I don’t remember much of what happened after that, but my parents told me they found me after two years. I had to be admitted to a mental hospital for a while, until they realised I didn’t remember anything- in other words, I had recovered.
Mohan: Did you make a full recovery?
Bhagwan: When you finish sweeping the house it looks spotless. But really, the dust is lurking in corners and nooks, just barely out of your line of sight.
Mohan: Well, I want to help you, I really do. I will do my best to explain the situation to your family- I can see that you really can’t communicate with each other. But to explain to them, I have to understand- what should I say is wrong with you?
Bhagwan: “Does the world present itself to you, declaring what it is?” (Ramana Maharshi) I don’t know where, when, or how I heard this quote for the first time. It’s almost as if it was there, with the dust lurking in hidden corners of the house…and one day, when I was returning drenched in the sweat and drudgery of the day, it latched on to me. “Does the world present itself to you, declaring what it is?”. That was the first time I went to sit on that park bench. I stopped sweating. My shoulders and spine straightened automatically. My arms spread open almost on their own accord, as if I had spotted an old, lost, dear friend and needed to hug him. And that’s when I felt someone sitting down next to me. He whispered in my ear- ”does the world present itself to you, declaring what it is?” I started trying to answer that day. That day, and the days and weeks and months and years that have followed I’ve been trying to answer that question. Everything started looking new to me, in the process. Fresh. Like someone had taken some soap and a no-nonsense brush and scrubbed the whole world clean. Everything- the roads, the garbage dumps, the shoemaker on the corner of the street and the dark circles under his eyes- everything had been cleaned up. That’s when I started to see the lines.
Mohan: Lines?
Bhagwan: Lines exactly like the ones on our palms and our foreheads. Those lines are drawn on the earth too! Faded forest paths, narrow streets, the whole world is criss-crossed with lines.
Mohan: I don’t understand.
Bhagwan: Like in this house- you can’t see them?
Mohan: No…where are they?
Bhagwan: Well they’re a little messed up at the moment, because for some time now I’ve been stepping over mine instead of treading on them. That’s why the whole house is upset. Our living, our walking makes lines Mohan. It draws lines across houses, cities, and the entire Earth. For example, your lines…wait a minute…why can’t I see your lines?
Mohan: I don’t do much walking. I sleep at night where I work during the day. In fact, in our line of work you have to appear so fixed to your place, so rooted in your spot it would seem you are inseparable. That you were born there and will one day die there. I…wait a second, how do you know my name? I’ve never told anyone my name.
Bhagwan: Can you hear that bird outside- I know her name too. I’m a little annoyed with her today, and listen to how she’s trying to apologise!
Mohan: Why isn’t your wife here yet?
Bhagwan: She should be here soon.
Mohan: Listen, friend…only because you can actually hear me- can I tell you something?
Bhagwan: Of course
Mohan: When I eat, it’s usually whatever scraps and leftovers people throw at me. And I always wonder- does it taste the same? To me and them, does it taste exactly the same? Or is my experience of the food completely different from theirs? When I eat I savour every single bite, I greet every bit of flavour. Look at me now, getting excited just talking about food!
Bhagwan: Can you really pin down every flavour? Properly?
Mohan: Of course! Wait this one…I knew it I really did- arrey…this is…
Bhagwan: You can’t. Nobody can. I have the same problem- I can’t describe what it is I’m tasting- not exactly, not accurately enough.
(Mohan starts singing, and Bhagwan starts his strange dance. A Baba enters, looks at them. He sprinkles something at them and walks past them to the inner room. Pinki and Poonam enter)
Poonam: Pinki, who is this?
Pinki: I told you papa brought a beggar inside.
Bhagwan: (Bhagwan spots Pinki and Poonam and gets very happy. He shushes Mohan, and says-) Mohan my wife is here! Please tell her what I told you- quick!
Mohan: Alright, let me try.
(Mohan goes to Poonam, says Namaste and starts trying to speak. We only realise now that Mohan can’t speak.)
Mohan: A…aa..a…a..
(Mohan goes back to Bhagwan)
Mohan: Didn’t I tell you they won’t understand me.
Bhagwan: Why not? I can understand you and so will they. Just try, please try again.
Mohan: (Tries again) A…a…aaa..a.
Baba: (The baba comes out from the inner room. He speaks in a harsh voice) Get this mute out of the house!
(Pinki and Poonam drag Mohan out of the house and he runs back in. They grab him and drag him out again. This leaves Bhagwan alone with Baba. Bhagwan is scared of Baba and tries to run away. Baba eventually catches him by his hair and starts dragging him around the house, chanting a mantra. Then he sprinkles him with the same holy mixture he used in the beginning, and drags him to the centre of the stage. Here, he holds him and slaps him on the face, hard. Poonam and Pinki enter, and Bhagwan falls to the floor. There is a stark, ugly cruelty in this scene that must be established.)
Pinki: (Loud and long-drawn) Papa!
(There is a blackout, and a few slaps ring out in the silence. Lights come back on. Bhagwan is lying unconscious on the floor and Baba, Poonam and Pinki are standing behind him.)
Baba: Just leave him here for tonight. Lock the door from outside, he’ll be fine in the morning.
Poonam: Beta, get the key.
(Pinki gets the key, they lock up the house and leave. Bhagwan is lying unconscious. Suddenly a bright light floods out from one of the wings. It is surreal, almost like the sun is shining directly into the room through the doorway. Bhagwan regains consciousness and starts walking towards the light. Suddenly, looking at the source of the light, he starts smiling. He sees Chacha Chaudhury (An iconic character from a famous comic) coming towards him)
Bhagwan: Chacha…chacha ji!
Chacha: Those who danced were considered insane by those who couldn’t hear the music. (Nietzsche)
Bhagwan: I want to go back chacha ji, please. This isn’t happiness- I think I left that behind. Everything is slipping from grasp, I can’t stand it much longer!
Chacha: Do you remember who you used to be? Who was the scared boy who ran away from home after a beating? A camel. A camel in a lonely world, hunched over from a centuries old burden- that it doesn’t understand, doesn’t even question, but bends under. Do you know what’s happened since then? A transformation, a miracle. You’re a lion now. You stand proud, you rule that very lonely world. God gives orders and lions refuse to follow them. All morality, all tradition is irrelevant to you know. You want to create a new world, start everything over from the beginning. And in the process of creating this new world, another transformation will take place. You will become a child. What is better? Children are a new start- ‘the child is innocence and forgetting’- and that is what you’re trying to achieve. (Nietzsche)
Bhagwan: Is that what I wanted? The only thing I can see now are people crying, hitting me.
Chacha: Is this guilt? When they threw the boatman out from the village there was a stone in your hand too.
Bhagwan: There was, but I never threw it.
Chacha: Maybe not, but you didn’t save him either. And now that you’re talking to birds yourself, how can you stop the stones in other people’s hands?
Bhagwan: I- I suppose I can’t. What I don’t understand is- how did it come to this? How did this happen so suddenly?
Chacha: It isn’t sudden. You named your kids Billu and Pinki- because they're your favourite characters from the comic, correct?
Bhagwan: No- my favourite character is Sabu. Where is Sabu chacha ji? Why didn’t you bring him with you?
Chacha: Of course I brought him- he’s outside.
Bhagwan: Sabu…Sabu! (Tries to go outside, looking for Sabu and calling out for him. The door is locked from outside, so he comes back.) Please call him in, I want to meet him.
Chacha: He wants to meet you too…but all of you have made your houses so small these days, he can’t come inside. As soon as you become a child though, he will come to meet you. Not just him either but everyone, everybody you have ever wanted to meet.
Bhagwan: Chacha ji- can’t both of us ever be happy at the same time?
Chacha: Spoken like a human.
Bhagwan: I feel like I’m swimming against a powerful current. I’m using up al of my strength, and not moving much…and if I stop, even for a moment, I’m afraid the river will wash me away…why is it so difficult? All of it?
Chacha: It isn’t. Living on this earth is as simple and uncomplicated as a bird’s life. We’ve complicated it for ourselves, spun so many stories and lessons on how to live that it’s to believe it takes a great man, someone like the Buddha perhaps, to be really good at it. That’s not true of course, anyone can do it- just look at the birds! While we’ve all been getting worked up about the right way to live they’ve been getting on with the living, and each bird lives exactly as it should.
Bhagwan: But...who am I? What am I looking for?
Chacha: You aren’t looking for anything. You just know one thing- that somehow you’ve been separated from your home, from yourself and need to find your way back. Everything else is just the journey home.
Bhagwan: Have you seen God?
Chacha: You should ask yourself that question. This is your enlightenment, you have all the answers.
Bhagwan: Have I seen God?
Chacha: Not God, but you have seen a dream…
Bhagwan: Yes…and in that dream there was a moss covered pond…(Ramkrishna Paramhansa)
Chacha: There was a sudden gust of wind, and the moss parted.
Bhagwan: And I saw the clear blue water
Chacha And I thought this is it- this is God. Right here in this clear blue water. There was another gust of wind and the moss covered the surface again.
Bhagwan: And then I thought- this is all a delusional lie.
Chacha: It’s both true and false. One can’t exist without the other. Ha…ha…ha
Bhagwan: Ha…ha…ha. Chacha ji, let’s go back to the park bench. There’s so much I need to talk to you about.
Chacha: It’s time for me to go, actually. You rest up, you need rest.
Bhagwan: When will you come to see me again?
Chacha: Whenever you call me.
Bhagwan: Why don’t you stay back? Plenty of room in this house.
Chacha: I told you- when you become a child all of us will come and live with you. (Chacha ji starts to leave, then turns around and says-) Does life present itself to you, declaring what it is?
Bhagwan: Yes it does but I don’t want to listen to it any longer. What do I do with all this sky? I only ever learnt to use the bit I could see through my window- I only learnt how to live in that tiny blue square.
Chacha: Well then, consider this our last meeting.
(Chacha Chaudhury exits, singing/humming. His leaving has made Bhagwan sad, and he turns to the other side. Here, he sees the park bench as it appears in his consciousness- beautiful, dreamlike. He goes forward as if to touch it but doesn’t.)
Bhagwan: I thought it would be golden
But it turned out to black
No worry- all it takes is a puff of sleep,
The hint of a dream- to turn anything golden again.
But here I am now, scared of letting the morning creep up.
I wish I could wake up and find it black forever
Or sleep for eternity and let it always be golden.
Scene 8
(Bhagwan is surrounded by a lot of papers and his behaviour is so normal it is jarring. Pinki is getting ready to go out somewhere.)
Pinki: Hurry up ma I’m getting late for college…arrey papa, why are you still here? Shukla ji must be waiting.
Bhagwan: Yes, just finishing up some official work for his shop…lost track of time.
Pinki: Did you forget to take your medicine again?
Bhagwan: Did I?
Pinki: (Takes out a small bottle of pills and puts it down in front of him) Have you had today’s dose?
Bhagwan: I’ll take it in a minute. (Poonam enters)
Poonam: Arrey, you’re late again?
Bhagwan: Just let me…yes, done. Leaving now.
Pinki: Ma let’s go, I'm late.
Poonam: Come on then…(to Bhagwan) lock the door when you leave, I’m taking my key.
(The bell rings and Pinki goes to the door.)
Pinki: Ma…
Poonam: Who is it?
Pinki: It’s
Poonam: What??
Pinki: It’s that beggar…
Bhagwan: Who- (Immediately gets up to meet him, but then remembers he can’t do that. Turns to look at Poonam pleadingly.) I want to talk to him…please Poonam, look at me, I’m fine now.
Poonam: Don’t be too late for the shop, I’ll tell Shukla ji on my way out. Take the medicine before you leave- Pinki, let’s go.
Pinki: But-
Poonam: Nothing will happen, don’t you start worrying now. (To Mohan) Please go in, he’s waiting for you.
(Mohan comes inside and hugs Bhagwan, and hands him a gift)
Mohan: a…a…a
Bhagwan: I can’t understand you anymore…you’re just a speechless beggar to me now.
Mohan: aa..a..a
Bhagwan: No, listen Mohan- it is Mohan isn’t it? I only remember that because I haven’t had my medicine yet.
Mohan: (What medicine) a…a…a
Bhagwan: I don’t know what the medicine really is. Remember me telling you I wanted to go back? Well I tried, I tried everything I could think of. When nothing worked I took the easy way out. I found these pills, and I started sleeping again. My hands became almost permanently numb, my head heavy. That’s when someone came to me and said “You’re standing in the middle of the road. Cross over” I thanked him, and he went away. I realised I could understand everyone again, and they could understand me. I was cured! I still don’t sleep too well, one of my hands tends to become numb. My head still feels heavy…but everyone says I’m cured. Returned to normal.
(Mohan picks up the bottle of medicine and gestures at Bhagwan)
Bhagwan: This is my broom, so I can sweep my house every day, keep it as spotless and dust free as everyone else.
(Mohan tries to drag Bhagwan to the other side. He dances, and tries desperately gesturing at Bhagwan to communicate that he needs to go towards enlightenment. Bhagwan draws back.)
Bhagwan: What will I do with enlightenment? I don’t need the whole truth. I’ve decided to live on this side, and here, you only need a little of everything to get by. A little truth, some joys, a few dreams. For the whole thing, you have to cross over to the other side. To live here and speak of things there is just idiocy, it’s fooling yourself. I’m done with that.
Mohan: (Tries to break the bottle of pills) a…a…a
Bhagwan: No- I’m begging you, please don’t.
(Mohan keeps it back intact)
Bhagwan: Mohan I’m a single unit in this world. Not the whole world anymore- just one tiny, functional particle. I’m a unit of the world we’ve created, of society. And for it all to continue running smoothly, I have to maintain careful balances. My job on this earth is to be- let’s say- salt. To add the same flavour, in the same quantity, forever.
(Just as Bhagwan prepares to take the medicine, Mohan stops him and takes his leave. He leaves the present he had brought on the tabe, and exits. Bhagwan swallows the pill, and starts gathering his papers. Just as he is about to leave, he hears the same bird that was heard in the earlier scene with Mohan. He stops and turns back slowly. The sound of the bird takes over. Bhagwan is still looking towards it.)
Fade out
The end.
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